How do we make time to talk when we are so busy?
This weeks topic of rituals comes from The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William J. Doherty, Ph.D.
There are many helpful topics in this book, but today I want to address the chapter called, Couple Rituals.
If you think back to your childhood about what regularly happened throughout the year that had significance for the family (i.e. Christmas traditions, nightly family dinners, weekly rest), those are rituals.
"Family rituals are repeated and coordinated activities that have significance for the family."
Doherty has some, in my opinion, outdated perspectives about relationships regarding marriage and dating. However, I appreciate his emphasis on communication as a necessary ritual for couples.
Keep it Short
This does not mean that you have to have hour long conversations every night. Who would have time for that?
"15 minutes of focused one-to-one conversation can be sufficient for couples with busy lives."
Find a regular time
The key to making it sustainable and consistent is finding a time that it can fit into your life naturally. This is why people talk around meals, we know we have to eat, so let's connect, talk, listen, (put our phones away), and communicate while we eat.
Maybe meal times aren't a good way for couples to connect who have children, is there a time morning or night where you have just 15 min to put phones away, make eye contact, and talk? Maybe for some couples a walk would be a good time to connect and talk.
Clear transition and a clear exit point
For it to be a ritual, it needs to have significance, meaning, and consistency. Just chatting while also reading the paper, or looking over your phone does not count. This is why meal times can be helpful, or morning coffee, or walks, or even sitting in bed at the end of the night. But there needs to be clarity so that both individuals know that this is the time that we will talk for at least 15min.
Focus on Feeling
If you aren't sure where to start, sometimes adding to the ritual by asking the same questions can be helpful. For example, using a rose & thorn method, which is when you highlight a positive from your day(rose) and a negative (thorn). If your ritual is in the morning, maybe asking your partner, "how do you feel about the day?" or "What are you excited about this week, or what are you dreading?"
Let's be honest
With most couples there is one partner who is more interested in the daily talk ritual than the other(this usually correlates with attachment styles). This difference "dooms the arrangement" because as we know "it takes two to tango." Being real and honest about this at the beginning is more likely to set you up for success. Yes, there will need to be compromise, but if you start with honesty that one person is less motivated to talk, you are more likely to be able to find a way to make it fun and interesting for both partners. There needs to be at least a base level of interest in being intentional in the relationship for any of this to be helpful.
"The activity should be pleasurable to both partners"
Date Night
For couples that have children, you may not be able to have alone time during the day, and will need to have a weekly date night (yes, I said weekly). For some couples that is too frequent because of finances, and babysitter availability, but in those cases, it is recommended that you find a 15min slot of time maybe at bedtime once the kids are in bed.
Why is it important?
If we are not intentional in our relationships by seeking out rituals, we will find ourselves with distance in our relationships. Because without intentional times to talk and connect, there will be a lack of intimacy and curiosity about our partners.
Patience and kind
As with all tips and tools in relationships, be patient and kind with yourself and your partner. Making changes no matter how small take time, and consistency. If one of you misses or forgets about the talking time, no problem, try again next time. The goal is to create connection not more opportunities for judgement and criticism. Try different times on for size and see which one fits best into your life and relationship.
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