If I had to choose one book to recommend to couples, this would be it. My hope is to do many more blog posts reviewing the content of this book, because it is
SO GOOD.
It's so good, I have a physical copy AND an audiobook. The first time I listened to the book was for a class, and while listening I gardened and painted an entire room (not in one day).
Why is it so good, and what in the world is a demon dialogue, you ask?
Well.
I will do my best to stay focused on this one chapter, highlight my favorite bits, and try to give you the major take aways so you can apply the concepts immediately at home and have a perfect relationship (obviously joking, no one is perfect, and that is not the goal).
Demon Dialogues are Johnson's name for the patterns that we get stuck in with our partners when our needs are not being met.
She identifies three basic patterns:
Find the Bad Guy - this is basically the blame game.
Protest Polka - aka Criticize-defend. It is a protest as a response to the loss of security within the relationship.
Freeze and Flee - aka withdraw-withdraw, this is when both partners are fed up, exhausted, and given up with communicating. Does the title remind you of fight, flight, freeze? it should, because both partners are both feeling so insecure in the relationship they no longer feel safe, and when we do not feel safe we... fight, flee, or freeze. Johnson states that this is the most dangerous one because no one is fighting for the relationship.
Brief pause and side note, what do you think of her labels for things? demon dialogue? protest polka? Some people find them very helpful, and some people hate the names. I lean more towards finding them helpful because I remember weird names, but also am totally able to make fun of them at the same time. Thank you for indulging me.
In this chapter, she defines them, models them with a couple, and then gives examples of how to break the pattern. One of my favorite lines,
Change starts with seeing the pattern, with focusing on the game rather than the ball.
So, start with identifying, which of these patterns is happening in your relationship? Johnson's solution to the blame game or Find the Bad Guy pattern is to ask as many questions needed to find a clear picture of what is happening. She even encourages writing out, or sketching out the circle of blame.
Her solution? noticing that blame was not helpful, and calling attention to the pattern once you notice it. This goes something like, "We are starting to blame each other, would you be willing to work with me to break this cycle? Maybe we could talk about what is happening without trying to figure out whose fault it is."
The Protest Polka is the most common pattern because it plays into
the attachment styles, where one partner is pursuing and demanding, the other partner is retreating and withdrawing. Johnson starts this section with John Gottman's study in Seattle
indicated that "many of the couples who fall into this pattern early in marriage do not make it to their fifth anniversary."
I felt a sinking feeling as soon as I read that, but then I remembered there is hope. This is why I am passionate about helping couples. There is a way out of these patterns! This section is one of the longer parts of the chapter, and it is worth every word, so I will not spoil it for you.
The main takeaway is that the way out of the pattern is communication, and both parties need to be aware of the other person's needs and how they might be different from their own, and then being willing to try to help meet that need.
Freeze and Flee is what happens when couples are exhausted from trying the other patterns. It is more difficult as a therapist or as a partner to work here because no one is invested in trying to resolve it.
"The real problem with the Freeze and Flee cycle is the hopelessness that colors it."
Because both partners are hiding, and feel defeated, the goal is to try to encourage communicating again. You were not feeling heard, and neither were they, so can you try again with a new way of communicating?
Johnson provides helpful fill in the blanks to assist with this communication process. I will share a few.
When ________, I do not feel safely connected to you.
I tend to ________. I move this way in our dance to try to cope with difficult feelings and find a way to change our dance.
I do it in the hope that ______.
These are just the first three of eight fill in the blanks to help the communication process start moving. In between each fill in the blank she gives helpful, encouraging instructions. I view this as her way of holding your hand as you move through this scary process of trying to communicate when you're exhausted, terrified, and fed up with not being heard.
Final take away from this chapter: start with identifying your pattern, and communicate about it. It will be easier to work as a team to break the cycle, if you know what the cycle is.
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