For some friendships are the support that help them survive, for others it increases their anxiety just to hear the word, "friendship."
Today I want to visit a book which is such a delight to me, "Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends" by Marisa G. Franco, PhD.
I first heard Dr. Franco speak on the podcast, "We Can Do Hard Things." She spoke about friendship and attachment, the topic of her book. If you have the time the episode is also worth a listen (Ep. 180).
Friendship
Franco explores the history of the word friendship and platonic love. "Platonic love was not romantic love undergoing subtraction. It was a purer form of love, one for someone's soul." Finding that friendship and platonic love meets needs for us that erotic love cannot.
She explores the need for friendship with noting how scientists have found that 106 factors influence depression, and that "having someone to confide in is the strongest preventer." Social connection, friendship, platonic love is important because it greatly impacts our mental health.
Friendship is the underdog of relationships
She writes, "Friendship, in releasing the relationship pressure valve, infuses us with joy like no other relationship." Meaning that in friendships there usually is less pressure than intimate romantic relationships, because we are not buying houses with our best friends, or making 5 year plans with our friends. Relieving that pressure invites us to stay more present with our friends, which can add deeper connection. She writes, "research finds that friendship is what gives romantic love its strength and endurance, rather than the other way around." When couples talk to me about their balance of friendships outside of the relationship, I always encourage it and point back to this. It can put a lot of pressure on our partners when we expect them to meet all of our emotional and social needs. Friendship can provide balance to intimate relationships by providing an outlet for vulnerability, and another place to be seen and understood.
Dr. Franco goes on to talk about Attachment in friendships, and I will cover that in another blog. If you are interested in Attachment theory, and have or want to have friends, I highly recommend this book.
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