If you are interested in growing closer to your partner, but not sure where to start, here are 4 simple steps to having an intimate conversation.
This week I am focusing on one chapter from the book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD.
For some couples reading a book like this may feel like forcing something because they want their intimacy to be natural. However, if you find yourself in a pattern of conflict not knowing how to get out of it, this can be a helpful place to start.
Growing closer to your partner is like tending to a garden, you have to weed, water, and nurture it on a regular basis. This book introduces the idea of making a regular habit out of dating your partner to increase intimate conversation. The Eight Dates are conversation topics that may be difficult to talk about, but so essential for nurturing a life with your partner. Start with these four steps to having an intimate conversation.
#1 Put into word what you are feeling.
Start with the classic "I feel" statement. I feel ________.
If you want intimacy, you have to start with vulnerability.
But what if I don't know what I am feeling, or have words to put to what I am feeling? Don't worry, the book gives examples of what to say.
Another amazing resource for this is the app called Card Decks which is designed by the Gottman institute. Simple download the app, then click on the "I Feel" button, and get inspired.
#2 Ask your partner open-ended questions.
This is basically any question that requires more of a response than "yes" or "no."
Invite your partner to share their thoughts and emotions to help them engage in the conversation.
Again, the Gottmans come to the rescue with examples in the book and in the app. I find that this is
one step that is VERY helpful to use written examples. Another resource is Couples Table Topics cards which are open question cue cards. It comes in a box of 135 questions, and they have a "date night" version and just "couples." This is a resource I personally use and have very helpful on date night, we just draw a card and both answer the question. We usually only get through 2 or 3 per date night depending on the depth of conversation the question stimulates.
#3 Make exploratory statements to help open up your partners feelings and needs.
Show your partner that you hear them and that you are curious about what they are saying.
This sounds like, "tell me what you need right now," "you are
being very clear, go on," and more examples in the book and under "Great Listening" in the Card Decks app.
#4 Express tolerance, empathy, and understanding toward your partner.
For you to have an intimate connection it is important that your partner FEELS heard. We do this by using empathetic statements. It is basically repeating what they said, both the feeling and the content. "Man! that sounds frustrating when you couldn't work on that project today,"
"I understand that you feel upset that I did not take the trash out." Or it could be as simple as responding to the feeling, "Wow! that must have been overwhelming!" "that would make me feel insecure." For more examples, read the chapter or use the "Expressing Empathy" option in the Card Decks app.
That's it! Be patient with yourself and your partner as you learn these new skills and new vocabulary. Just like learning any new skill it takes time, and most of the time practice means getting it wrong in order to learn from our mistakes. I hope these four steps help you move closer to your partner within an intimate conversation. Enjoy!
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