If you have anxiety and tendencies toward perfectionism or feeling like you have to earn love in your relationships, this topic may speak to your heart.
And if you have not read any Brené Brown, I invite you to start by reading her books Braving the Wilderness, and The Gifts of Imperfection. She is an amazing writer, and can put all of this better than I ever could. It resonates so deeply with me that I want to share it with others in hopes that it might benefit you today. I have written a previous blog about a chapter from Braving the Wilderness about trusting yourself and trusting others.
What is true belonging?
Brené Brown defines true belonging in her book The Gifts of Imperfection,
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.
It is natural to want to belong, to find somewhere that feels natural to participate in that is
bigger than ourselves, however, we often seek out belonging through trying to fit in, seek approval, or trying to earn our way in some capacity. Instead if we start with our own vulnerability of presenting our authentic, imperfect selves to the world we may not find something outside of ourselves that satisfies that desire, but instead we become more content with our own self acceptance. She goes on to write in her book, Braving the Wilderness, that through her research of true belonging,
"it's not something we achieve or accomplish with others; its something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours."
Instead of looking outside ourselves to fulfill the desires and longings of our heart, belonging starts with our relationship with ourself. We could be surrounded by community that is pouring into our life and still feel lonely and lacking. Always searching for a way to satisfy others to meet the longings of our heart, instead of starting with our own heart, our own desires, recognizing the feelings underneath the surface.
The Wilderness
Feelings underneath the surface, such as loneliness, longings, hurt, fear, and unmet needs can feel scary to face. Brené Brown writes,
"Belonging so fully to yourself that you're willing to stand alone is a wilderness---an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching."
This work of looking within to satisfy and care for ourselves takes immense courage, because of the vulnerability required."It's about breaking down the walls, abandoning our idealogical bunkers, and living from our wild heart rather than our weary hurt." We no longer have to
adhere to cultural norms of feeling like we need to do more to earn acceptance, or feel like we have to hide behind perfection. This is an invitation to move towards authenticity, a call to listen to your weary hurt, to learn the difference between it and your wild heart. She goes on to say,
"We're going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness."
Learning how to live authentically is a difficult, vulnerable journey. You may not believe you are brave enough, but you are. You have endured the pain and hurt that has caused your heart to become weary and long for soothing. You have more strength and resiliency within you than you know.
And while it will be a journey of finding true belonging within yourself, yes, it will require work on your own, but you are not alone in this journey. Speak with your therapist about this, and they will help guide you through this process. Read Braving the Wilderness for Brené Brown to be your friendly, firmly compassionate guide through the process.
Comments